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Leaving Safely

Leaving an abusive relationship or unsafe home can involve serious risks, especially when the person causing harm fears losing control. This South African guide explains why individual safety planning matters, what practical preparations may help, and where to seek support before or after leaving.

Kobus Myburgh · Editorial · 9 min read · Published 2026-07-12 · Updated 2026-10-20

"Read this if…" you are considering leaving an abusive relationship or home, have already left and remain worried about your safety, or are trying to support someone who may need to leave.

People sometimes ask why someone experiencing abuse does not simply walk away. That question overlooks the threats, dependence and practical difficulties that may be involved. A person may be worried about children, housing, money, pets, immigration status, disability-related support or what the abuser will do if they discover a plan to leave.

Separation can be a period of increased danger in an abusive relationship. Abuse may continue or escalate when someone tries to leave or after they have gone. No checklist can guarantee safety, and no single departure plan works for everyone.

This article offers general information, not an individual safety assessment. A trained GBV support worker can help you consider your circumstances without requiring you to make a particular decision today. For a broader discussion, see **Safety Planning and Getting Help for GBV**.

If you are in immediate danger in South Africa, call SAPS on 10111. If you cannot safely make a call, seek emergency assistance by another available route. You do not need to finish reading this article before getting help.

Why leaving can change the risk

Abuse involving coercive control is often about restricting another person's choices. A decision to leave, seek outside help or become more independent may be perceived as a loss of that control.

Depending on the situation, someone who has used abuse may respond by:

  • threatening the person leaving, their children, relatives or pets;
  • stalking, repeatedly contacting or attempting to locate them;
  • using access to money, transport, documents or housing as leverage;
  • threatening to disclose private information or make allegations against them;
  • monitoring devices, accounts or shared location information; or
  • using children or legal disputes to maintain unwanted contact.

These are possible patterns, not a prediction of what every abusive person will do. Some risks are difficult to see from outside the relationship. Specialist assistance may be particularly important when there have been threats to kill, strangulation, weapons, stalking or escalating violence.

An increased risk around separation does not mean a person should stay in an abusive situation. It means that advice such as “just leave tonight” may be dangerously incomplete.

Start with a plan suited to your circumstances

A safety plan is a set of practical options for reducing risk. It can be useful whether you intend to leave soon, are undecided, must remain for now or have already separated.

A specialist can help you think through questions such as:

  • Where could you seek emergency help if danger increased?
  • Who, if anyone, can be trusted with information about your situation?
  • Do you have a safe way to communicate without someone else seeing the message or call?
  • What support would children, older relatives, disabled family members or pets need?
  • What transport, housing or financial obstacles could affect your options?
  • Does the other person have access to your accounts, location, vehicle or devices?

You do not need a complete plan before asking for help. A first conversation may simply be about understanding what options are available.

Practical preparations to consider

Some preparations may make leaving easier, but they can also create danger if discovered. Only consider steps that are safe in your particular circumstances, ideally with guidance from a specialist who can help assess the risks.

Essential documents and medication

Identity documents, children's documents, medication, prescriptions, keys and important contact information may be useful. If obtaining originals or making copies would expose you to danger, do not risk your safety for paperwork. A support service may be able to explain alternatives.

Money, housing and transport

Think about whether you could access money, get to a safe location and meet immediate needs. Separate funds or arrangements with a trusted person may help some people, but account activity, transactions or unusual movements may be visible to an abusive partner. A shelter or social worker may help you explore accommodation and transport options; availability cannot be assumed.

A person who knows how to help

If there is someone you trust, you may want to discuss how they could help without confronting the person causing harm. Some people agree on a simple signal for requesting assistance. However, messages, calls and code words can be discovered or misunderstood. Make sure any arrangement is realistic and does not put either person at greater risk.

Records of threats or abuse

Messages, photographs and medical or police records may be relevant if you later seek legal assistance. Do not collect or store evidence if doing so could expose you to retaliation. A specialist can explain safer options and what may be useful in a particular process. Having evidence is not a condition for deserving support.

Choosing how and when to leave

There is no universally safe time or method for leaving. Suggestions commonly mentioned online, such as leaving when the abuser is out, packing a hidden bag or going to a friend's home, may help in some circumstances and increase danger in others.

Factors that deserve consideration include the person's behaviour, access to weapons, threats, ability to monitor your movements, transport needs and whether your destination can remain safe. It may be especially risky to announce a departure during a confrontation or attempt to secure a final explanation from someone who has been threatening or violent.

If children are involved, legal arrangements and safety concerns may be complicated. Seek prompt, qualified South African legal advice where possible, especially if there are existing court orders, custody disputes or threats concerning the children. General website advice cannot determine what is lawful or safest for your family.

If an emergency forces you to leave without documents, belongings or a prepared plan, those missing items do not make seeking immediate protection the wrong choice.

Digital safety before and after separation

An abusive partner may be able to see information through shared accounts, device access, location-sharing services, connected vehicles or tracking devices. They may also notice sudden changes in passwords, settings or device behaviour.

Do not assume private browsing, deleting messages or turning off location sharing makes a device safe. Changing settings or removing suspected monitoring can itself alert someone who is watching.

When practical, ask a specialist about safer communication methods and whether a device or account you use is likely to be monitored. A device or account the person has never accessed may be an option, but it should not be assumed secure without considering your circumstances.

For a fuller explanation, see **Digital Abuse and Gender-Based Violence**.

Staying safer after leaving

Leaving a shared home does not necessarily end threats, harassment or unwanted contact. Depending on your situation, it may be useful to discuss the following with a support professional:

  • A safer place to stay. Consider who knows the location, whether the other person can reach you there and what to do if they appear.
  • Children's routines. Schools or childcare providers may need carefully chosen information about authorised collection arrangements or applicable court orders. Share only what is appropriate and safe.
  • Workplace arrangements. An employer or workplace security contact may be able to help if you face stalking or threats, but discuss privacy and the consequences of disclosure first.
  • Communication boundaries. Consider whether contact is needed for legal or parenting reasons, and ask for guidance if blocking, changing numbers or responding could increase risk.
  • Legal remedies. A protection order may be an option in some domestic-violence situations. The appropriate application process and protective conditions depend on the circumstances.

In South Africa, the Department of Justice explains current domestic-violence protection-order procedures and application options. You can also consult **Finding Trusted Support for GBV** for help locating a service that can explain your options.

A protection order is an important legal measure, but it cannot guarantee that a person will comply. If you are threatened or an order is breached, seek advice about appropriate emergency and enforcement steps.

If leaving is not possible right now

You might need time because of practical dependence, fear of retaliation, children, health needs or a lack of available accommodation. Someone else may want you to leave immediately without understanding those constraints.

You can still seek confidential advice, within the limits the service explains, and explore ways to make daily life safer. Planning may involve identifying emergency contacts, understanding available shelters, discussing children's needs or learning about legal options. It does not have to begin with a decision to separate.

Be cautious about storing written plans or saving support-service numbers on a monitored device. A specialist can help you consider how to communicate safely.

In South Africa, the GBV Command Centre (0800 428 428) is listed by government as a national counselling and referral service. **TEARS Foundation** is another organisation to investigate; confirm its current contact methods and availability before relying on them.

No one reading this article can know all the details of your situation. You retain the right to make decisions about your life, and to seek support without being blamed for the time those decisions take.

If you are supporting someone who may leave

Helping well can mean listening without taking control of the situation yourself.

Ask what kind of support would actually help. That might be transport, a safe opportunity to make a call, practical childcare, accompaniment to a service or simply someone to speak to without judgment. Do not promise secrecy if there are circumstances in which you would need to seek urgent help for someone's safety; be clear about what you can do.

Do not confront the person causing harm, announce another person's plans online or share their whereabouts without permission. Even well-meant intervention may create additional risk.

If someone returns to an abusive relationship, do not treat it as proof that the harm was unimportant or that your help was wasted. They may still need safe, respectful support. You can also set reasonable boundaries around what assistance you are able to provide.

Read **Supporting Someone Experiencing GBV** for more.

South African help and emergencies

Contact details and service availability can change. If you cannot safely use a phone or website, seek an alternative route to emergency or specialist assistance if one is available.

Final thought

People living with abuse may face decisions that others never see. Leaving can be complicated, dangerous and emotionally difficult. Staying for now may also involve serious risks.

A good safety plan respects those realities. It helps someone understand available options, prepare where possible and seek support without being pressured into a timetable that could put them at greater risk.

You deserve help whether you are preparing to leave, have already left or are still deciding what comes next.

Sources

Related topics Gender-Based Violence Gender-Based Violence Prevention