"Read this if…" someone you care about may be experiencing gender-based violence, and you want to help without judging them, exposing their situation or unintentionally increasing their risk.

When someone tells you they are being hurt, threatened or controlled, you may feel frightened, angry or desperate to do something immediately. Those reactions are understandable. You might want to confront the person causing harm, arrange a place for your friend to stay or insist that they leave.

But being helpful is not the same as taking charge. People experiencing gender-based violence (GBV) may already have had their choices restricted. A supportive response should increase their options and sense of safety, not replace one set of demands with another.

You do not need to be a counsellor to listen with care. You do need to recognise your limits, especially when immediate danger or safeguarding responsibilities are involved.

Begin with listening, not investigation

Someone disclosing abuse may be unsure how much to tell you. They may speak in fragments, minimise what happened, contradict themselves on details or pause because they fear the consequences of being overheard.

You do not have to decide whether their account would satisfy a court before offering compassion. And you do not need to ask for every detail.

A useful first response might be:

• "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."
• "I'm sorry this is happening."
• "You don't deserve to be threatened or hurt."
• "What would help you most right now?"

You can take what they tell you seriously without pretending to know everything about their situation. Avoid pushing for explanations, demanding evidence or comparing their experience with what you know of the person accused of causing harm.

The World Health Organization's LIVES approach for health professionals — Listen, Inquire, Validate, Enhance safety and Support — offers useful principles for anyone trying to respond with care. As a friend or family member, you are not expected to deliver professional care; you can still listen without judgement and help connect someone with qualified services.

Don't make leaving the price of your support

"Why don't you just leave?" can sound simple from the outside. In practice, leaving may involve threats, children, housing, finances, immigration concerns, disability-related support needs or fear of retaliation. Separation can be a period of heightened risk in some abusive relationships.

Someone may leave and return, or decide to stay while exploring options. That does not mean they wanted the abuse or that your support was wasted.

Instead of giving an ultimatum, you could say:

• "I worry about your safety. Would you like us to look at some options together?"
• "You don't have to decide everything today."
• "If you want professional advice about a safer plan, I can help you find someone."

Respect for autonomy is not indifference to danger. If there is an immediate threat to life or serious injury, contact appropriate emergency services if it is safe and possible to do so. In other situations, talk through concerns and available support without deciding on the person's behalf.

For a broader explanation of individual planning, see **Safety Planning and Getting Help for GBV**.

Ask before offering practical help

Practical assistance can be valuable, but what appears helpful to you may not be safe for the other person.

For example, collecting someone from home could alert the abusive person. Keeping their documents might create suspicion if they go missing. Sending an unexpected message about a shelter could be discovered on a monitored phone.

Ask what is useful and how to offer it safely. Depending on their wishes and circumstances, you might be able to:

• accompany them to a medical appointment, support service, police station or court;
• assist with transport, childcare or essential supplies;
• help them identify a trusted person or appropriate service;
• provide temporary practical support that you can genuinely sustain;
• sit with them while they make a call, if they want company.

Keep offers specific and realistic. "I can take you to an appointment on Thursday" is more dependable than "I'll fix everything." Do not promise accommodation, confidentiality or financial help you cannot provide.

Avoid actions that may expose or escalate the situation

Even when you feel outraged, think carefully before acting.

Confronting the person causing harm may trigger retaliation against the person you are trying to help. Posting accusations online, involving mutual friends or contacting an employer without a plan can also create risks and take control away from the person affected.

Before sending a message, ask whether their phone or accounts may be monitored. A sudden stream of concerned messages, location requests or references to "abuse" could be seen by someone else. Agree on a communication method and wording that the person considers safer; do not assume any device is completely private.

Don't secretly record, investigate or gather evidence on their behalf. Evidence collection can have legal, privacy and safety implications. A specialist service can advise on options if documentation is appropriate.

And do not insist on confronting the abusive person "to hear both sides". Support for someone's safety does not require a joint meeting, mediation or an opportunity for the other person to defend themselves in front of the person reporting harm.

When someone doubts their own experience

A person who has repeatedly been told that they are exaggerating, misremembering or responsible for someone else's behaviour may struggle to trust their judgement.

You can help without declaring that every disagreement was gaslighting. Listen to what happened, reflect back what they have shared and avoid replacing their account with your interpretation.

For example:

"You've told me you feel frightened when they check your phone and accuse you of hiding things. That sounds difficult. What would help you feel safer?"

This is more useful than insisting that you know the other person's motives or announcing a diagnosis.

For an explanation of the wider pattern, see **Understanding Gaslighting**.

Take children and other vulnerable people seriously

If children, older people or people with disabilities may be experiencing domestic violence, the situation can involve specific safeguarding duties.

In South Africa, reporting responsibilities can apply even when someone asks you to keep the matter secret. The Department of Justice explains that adults have legal duties to report knowledge, belief or suspicion of domestic violence against a child, an older person or a person with a disability to a social worker or police. Other child-protection and sexual-offences reporting requirements may also apply. The precise duty depends on the facts and applicable law.

This is why it is better to say "I'll respect your privacy as far as I can, but I cannot promise absolute secrecy where someone may need legal protection" than to make a blanket promise you may have to break.

Do not question children repeatedly, conduct your own investigation or pressure them to repeat an account for multiple adults. Seek guidance promptly from an appropriate child-protection professional, social worker or police service. If someone is in immediate danger, prioritise emergency assistance.

Safeguarding must also be handled sensitively: the adult seeking help may fear being blamed, losing housing or facing consequences for their children. Be clear about what you know, what you are concerned about and what actions you intend to take, unless discussing those steps would create further danger.

Help them find trustworthy support

A friend can listen, accompany and support. You cannot be expected to replace emergency services, medical care, specialist counselling or legal advice.

In South Africa, useful starting points include:

• SAPS: 10111 for a police emergency.
• GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428 for counselling and referral to appropriate services. It is not a substitute for police emergency response.
• **TEARS Foundation** — an existing DBTG resource link for support and referrals; check current contact details directly before relying on them.

A person may want medical care, a safety-planning conversation, legal information or accommodation referrals rather than police involvement as their first step. Help them explore the services they want, subject to any immediate safety concerns and legal reporting duties.

If one helper responds poorly, you can support them in looking for another. A disappointing first response does not mean they must give up on seeking help.

If they don't want to discuss it again

After an initial disclosure, someone may become quiet, withdraw or insist things are fine. Repeated demands for updates can feel like another loss of control.

Where safe, let them know you remain available without requiring a report every time you speak. Ordinary friendship still matters: sharing a meal, talking about work or spending time together can help preserve a relationship that is not defined only by crisis.

If they ask you not to contact them, respect that request except where urgent safety or legal safeguarding obligations require action. You can care about someone without having access to every decision they make.

Look after your own limits

Supporting someone through danger can leave you worried, distressed or exhausted. You may need confidential advice about how to respond, or support for your own wellbeing.

Seek this in a way that does not expose the person's identity or private information unnecessarily. Be thoughtful about whom you tell and what you share. You are allowed to set limits around what you can do, while remaining compassionate.

You are not responsible for controlling the outcome, and you should not make the person's safety dependent on your ability to be available every hour.

Final thought

Good support is rarely dramatic. Often it means believing that someone's safety matters, listening without turning their experience into an interrogation, and being reliably available for help they choose.

Do not make yourself the hero of someone else's difficult decisions. Help them have more safe choices, more useful information and more people they can trust.

Sources

• World Health Organization — *Health workers: Listening when women need it most*. Describes the LIVES approach to first-line support, including non-judgemental listening and safety.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline — *When a Survivor Asks You for Help*. Explains why supporters should ask about needs rather than taking over decisions.
• South African Department of Justice — *Domestic Violence*. Explains the legal context, including reporting responsibilities for certain vulnerable people.
• South African Government — *Where can I find an organisation that offers assistance to victims of violence?*. Provides SAPS and GBV Command Centre contact information and support routes.