"Read this if…" someone keeps making hurtful jokes about you or another person, and concerns are dismissed with "It was just a joke" — or you've begun to wonder whether your own teasing has gone too far.

Humour is part of friendship, family life, school and work. People tease one another affectionately, laugh at shared mistakes and occasionally misjudge what others will find funny. An awkward joke does not automatically make someone a bully.

But humour can also give someone a convenient way to humiliate another person while avoiding responsibility. If the person targeted objects, they may be told they're too sensitive, have no sense of humour or are spoiling everyone else's fun.

The important questions are what is happening, who has the power to object, how the person responds when hurt is raised, and whether the behaviour continues.

When teasing becomes harmful

A joke deserves closer attention when it repeatedly places someone else at a disadvantage. Consider whether:

• The same person is regularly the target. One person becomes the group's dependable punchline, even when others take turns telling the jokes.
• The subject is deeply personal. Comments focus on someone's body, disability, identity, family circumstances, sexuality, poverty, religion, trauma or another vulnerability.
• The audience makes it harder to object. Someone is mocked in front of classmates, colleagues or a large group chat, where speaking up may invite more ridicule.
• The person laughs to avoid consequences. A smile or nervous laugh may mean discomfort, not agreement.
• Objections are dismissed. The jokes continue after someone asks for them to stop, or the target is punished socially for raising the issue.
• A power imbalance is involved. The joker may have popularity, seniority, authority, access to private information or the support of a group.

In school settings, bullying is generally understood to involve unwanted aggressive behaviour, a real or perceived power imbalance, and repetition or the likelihood of repetition. Teasing, taunting and public humiliation can be part of that behaviour.

Not every hurtful joke meets that definition. A single severe incident can still warrant support, investigation or action, particularly if it involves threats, discriminatory harassment or serious humiliation. You don't have to wait for something to happen repeatedly before taking it seriously.

For more context, see **How Do You Recognise Bullying?** and **Early Warning Signs of Gender-Based Violence**.

Intent matters, but it isn't the whole story

Someone may genuinely intend a joke to be harmless. Friends can have different boundaries, and people sometimes misread a situation.

If you discover that your joke hurt someone, that doesn't mean your original intention was necessarily malicious. It does mean you now have information about its effect. What you do with that information matters.

A responsible response sounds like: “I'm sorry. I didn't realise that hurt you. I won't do it again.” It should be followed by changed behaviour, not another round of jokes about the person's reaction.

By contrast, “Can't you take a joke?” can shift attention away from the remark and onto the person who objected. Sometimes it's a defensive reaction rather than a calculated strategy. Either way, it can leave someone feeling that the only way to belong is to accept being hurt.

There is also a difference between laughing together and making someone the entertainment. A person should be able to say that a joke isn't welcome without risking exclusion or retaliation.

What this looks like in everyday settings

At school

A nickname starts as teasing. Soon an entire class uses it. The child targeted laughs occasionally, but stops putting up their hand or avoids certain classmates. Adults may overlook the pattern because the children appear to be having fun.

The important evidence is not merely whether someone smiled. It's the ongoing conduct, the imbalance within the group and whether the child can ask for it to stop without being targeted further.

At work

A manager regularly jokes about one employee's mistakes in meetings. Colleagues laugh, but the employee feels unable to object because the manager controls their work opportunities.

A workplace can have humour and still expect respectful treatment. A joke from someone in authority can carry consequences that the same remark between equals might not. In South Africa, workplace harassment is addressed by the Code of Good Practice on the Prevention and Elimination of Harassment in the Workplace. Whether particular conduct meets the applicable legal definition requires attention to the circumstances; it is not decided simply by calling it banter.

In a relationship

A partner repeatedly makes insulting comments about appearance, intelligence or private experiences, then insists the other person is overreacting. If teasing becomes a way to undermine confidence or punish disagreement, it may form part of a broader pattern of emotional abuse or controlling behaviour.

One thoughtless joke isn't enough to establish that pattern. Persistent humiliation, intimidation and fear deserve attention.

In group chats and online spaces

An embarrassing photo becomes a meme. Others forward it, add comments and insist nobody should take it seriously. The original poster may regard the incident as a joke, but the person depicted can experience ongoing humiliation, especially when the content spreads beyond the original group.

Online content can be copied, shared and revisited. See **Cyberbullying: What Is It, and What Can You Do?**.

If you're the person being targeted

You do not need to laugh along to prove you're friendly, mature or able to take a joke.

Depending on the situation and your safety, you could:

• Set a clear boundary if it feels safe. “I don't like that joke. Please stop.” A short statement is enough; you don't owe a lengthy defence of your feelings.
• Leave or disengage. You can walk away, mute a conversation or decline to participate, especially when an argument would invite further humiliation.
• Tell someone who can help. That might be a trusted adult, teacher, school counsellor, manager, HR representative or another person who will take the concern seriously.
• Keep a record where appropriate and safe. Save dates, exact remarks, messages or screenshots if they may help explain a pattern. Consider privacy and the possibility that someone else could access the record.
• Use the reporting route that fits the setting. Schools, workplaces and online platforms may have different procedures for harmful conduct.

You are not required to confront someone directly before asking for help. If there are threats, intimidation or a risk of retaliation, prioritise support and safety.

Responding with an equally cruel joke may feel satisfying in the moment, but it can escalate the situation and obscure what has happened. See **When Is It OK to Retaliate Against Bullies?**.

If you're watching it happen

Bystanders can influence what a group treats as acceptable. You don't have to deliver a speech or place yourself in danger to be helpful.

You might choose not to laugh or forward the content, change the subject, check in privately with the person targeted, or alert someone responsible for dealing with the situation. Where it is safe, a calm “That's not funny to me” can make it easier for others to stop joining in.

Ask the person affected what support they want rather than assuming they would welcome a public confrontation. In some situations, drawing extra attention to them could make matters worse.

If you're the one making the jokes

This part matters just as much as recognising the behaviour in others.

Ask yourself:

• Is there someone in my group who regularly has to absorb the jokes?
• Would I find the remark equally funny if it were made about me in front of people whose opinions mattered to me?
• Have I kept going after noticing discomfort or hearing a request to stop?
• Am I relying on other people laughing as proof that the target is comfortable?
• When challenged, do I consider the impact or immediately defend my intention?

If you have crossed a line, stop the behaviour. Acknowledge it without blaming the person for being upset. Apologise where appropriate and don't pressure them to accept the apology, forgive you or reassure you that everything is fine.

Then change the behaviour consistently. A single apology matters less than whether the humiliation ends.

For related reading, see **Respectful Conduct in Everyday Life** and **Accountability Without Shame**.

When an apology isn't enough

Sometimes a joke is part of a wider problem: ongoing bullying, sexual harassment, discriminatory comments, threats or public humiliation. In those situations, an apology may be one step, but it may not address the harm or the need for institutional intervention.

Schools and employers may need to investigate, protect the people affected, address repeated conduct or apply their relevant policies. The response should be fair, proportionate and appropriate to the situation.

The person targeted should not be made responsible for teaching someone else basic respect or for managing the consequences of reporting harmful conduct.

Final thought

Humour is valuable. It helps people connect, cope and enjoy one another's company. We don't need a world in which everyone is afraid to tell a joke.

We do need to recognise when laughter depends on someone else's silence, fear or exclusion.

If a person cannot ask you to stop without becoming the next joke, something has gone wrong. Taking that concern seriously is part of treating people with dignity.

Sources

These references support the distinctions between joking, bullying, online harassment and workplace conduct. They do not decide whether any particular incident meets a legal definition.

• UNICEF South Africa — *Bullying: What is it and how to stop it*. Guidance on recognising bullying, responding to children and supporting bystanders.
• UNICEF South Africa — *Cyberbullying: What is it and how to stop it*. Discusses the distinction between online jokes and bullying.
• StopBullying.gov — *What Is Bullying*. Explains power imbalance, repetition and verbal and social bullying.
• South African Department of Employment and Labour — *Code of Good Practice on the Prevention and Elimination of Harassment in the Workplace*. Official workplace harassment guidance.