"Read this if…" you want your conduct to change for real — not just for a few days after you get caught or feel guilty.
Wanting to change is a strong start. Change itself is usually slow, visible, and tested in ordinary moments: how you speak when you are angry, how you act in a group, what you do when nobody is applauding you.
This article offers practical steps. It does not promise instant transformation. It does offer a path that is more reliable than willpower alone.
Step 1: Name the pattern honestly
You cannot change what you keep minimising.
Write down — privately, if that helps — answers to:
- What have I done that hurt, scared, excluded, or humiliated someone?
- When does it tend to happen? (After rejection? In groups? Online? When I feel small?)
- Who has raised it — a friend, teacher, manager, parent, partner?
- What do I usually do when challenged? (Joke, deny, blame, withdraw, escalate?)
You are looking for a pattern, not a single worst moment to obsess over.
If shame makes this hard, read Accountability Without Shame first. Change needs honesty, not self-hatred.
Step 2: Learn what respectful conduct looks like in practice
Good intentions fade under stress unless you know what to do instead.
Build a clearer baseline with Respectful Conduct in Everyday Life:
- how to disagree without demeaning
- how to accept no
- how to leave room for other people in groups and online spaces
Pick one behaviour to work on first — for example, not piling on in chats, not "joking" at one person's expense, or walking away instead of escalating.
Step 3: Create pause points
Many harmful moments happen fast. Pause points slow the pattern down.
Useful pauses include:
- counting to ten before replying when you are angry
- asking yourself: Am I trying to win or to be understood?
- putting your phone down before posting
- leaving a situation before you say something you already know crosses a line
- texting a trusted person: "I am about to escalate — talk me down"
A pause does not make you weak. It makes choice possible.
Step 4: Listen to feedback without a courtroom in your head
If someone says you hurt them, your first job is not to prove they are wrong.
Try:
- "I hear you."
- "I need a moment to take that in."
- "I do not want to defend myself right away — tell me more about what landed badly."
You can clarify facts later. Dismissing impact early usually repeats the harm.
If feedback keeps arriving from different people, treat that as data — not a conspiracy.
Step 5: Repair where repair is possible
Repair might include:
- a direct apology without excuses (see Accountability Without Shame)
- removing harmful posts or asking others to stop sharing them
- giving someone space they asked for
- changing seating, routes, or group arrangements so they are not forced into contact before they feel safe
- accepting school, team, or workplace consequences without retaliation
Repair does not always restore friendship. It still matters.
Step 6: Change the conditions that fuel the pattern
Behaviour does not happen in a vacuum. Ask:
- Am I sleep-deprived, drinking, grieving, or under pressure I have not dealt with?
- Am I in groups that reward cruelty, status games, or pile-ons?
- Am I copying conduct I grew up around?
- Am I using control or humiliation to manage insecurity?
Understanding drivers is not an excuse. It helps you choose better support.
Why Do Bullies Bully? explains common roots like shame, anger, peer pressure, and fear — without letting harm off the hook.
Step 7: Get help when willpower is not enough
You do not have to change alone.
Consider talking to:
- a school counsellor or trusted teacher
- a parent or caregiver you can be honest with
- a counsellor, psychologist, or social worker
- an employee assistance programme at work
- a mentor or faith leader who will tell you the truth with care
Asking for help is not admitting you are irredeemable. It is treating the pattern as serious enough to need structure.
If you are a young person and need someone to talk to in South Africa, Childline South Africa is available on 116 (free from any phone).
Step 8: Measure change by conduct, not speeches
People notice:
- whether the harm stopped
- whether you respect boundaries without punishing people for setting them
- whether you handle conflict without recruiting a crowd
- whether you stay different when adults or managers are not watching
Tell people you have changed if you want to. Let your conduct prove it over time.
When change also means becoming an ally
As your conduct steadies, you may notice harm around you that you used to ignore or join.
Ally to All and See Something, Say Something can help you use your influence differently — without making other people's pain about your redemption story.
Final thought
Change is possible. It is also work.
Name the pattern. Build pause. Listen. Repair. Get help. Prove it in small repeated choices.
That is how "I don't want to be that guy" becomes something other people can believe — because they can see it, not only hear it.