"Read this if…" you want to understand why someone might bully another person without excusing their behaviour, or you recognise some of these patterns in yourself and want to change them.

Why would someone keep humiliating a classmate, excluding a colleague or mocking a person who has done them no harm?

There is no single answer. Someone may be seeking status, copying behaviour they have seen, trying to fit in, expressing prejudice or struggling to manage their own feelings. Several factors may overlap. Sometimes we simply do not know the reason.

Understanding those possibilities can help adults, peers and institutions respond more effectively. But an explanation is not a defence. The person being targeted does not have to understand the bully's motives before they deserve protection.

First, recognise the behaviour

In school and youth settings, bullying commonly involves unwanted aggression, a real or perceived power imbalance, and behaviour that is repeated or likely to be repeated. That power might come from popularity, physical strength, numbers, access to private information or social influence.

It can involve threats and insults, but also deliberate exclusion, rumours, humiliation, damage to possessions or online harassment.

An isolated argument between two people with similar power may be conflict rather than bullying. However, a single serious threat, assault or discriminatory incident can still require urgent attention. And although similar conduct occurs at work and in adult relationships, it may fall under workplace harassment, abuse or other legal and organisational definitions rather than the school-specific definition of bullying.

We should describe what happened accurately before deciding which label fits.

Status, belonging and the audience

Bullying is sometimes rewarded socially. A cruel remark can get a laugh. Excluding someone can signal who belongs to a group. A person with influence may intimidate others to retain their position.

A young person may join in because they want approval, fear becoming the next target or believe cruelty is expected of them. Others may actively enjoy the power the behaviour gives them. Their motives need not be identical.

This helps explain why bullying is rarely only a matter between two individuals. When friends laugh, share a humiliating post or look away, the group can make the behaviour easier to continue.

Changing the group's response matters. Adults can set clear expectations, intervene consistently and make it safer for witnesses to report harm. Peers can decline to join in and support the person targeted without putting themselves in danger.

What people learn from the environment around them

Some children grow up or spend time in settings where threats, humiliation or aggression are accepted ways to settle disagreements. They may copy what they observe, especially when the behaviour brings attention or goes unchallenged.

Home and school experiences can contribute to risk, but they do not determine anyone's future. Most people facing hardship or conflict do not become bullies, and someone with a secure, supportive life can still choose to harm others.

We should be particularly careful not to blame poverty, a family background, a disability or an emotional difficulty as though any of these were a diagnosis of bullying behaviour.

An environment can make harmful conduct more likely or less likely. It never makes that conduct inevitable.

Insecurity, anger and difficulty managing emotions

Some people who bully are also dealing with rejection, shame, anger or experiences of being bullied themselves. They may have limited skills for handling frustration, conflict or social pressure.

These factors can help explain a pattern in an individual case, but we cannot assume that everyone who bullies is secretly insecure or hurting. There may be no hidden suffering that explains the conduct, and searching for one should not delay intervention.

When distress is present, a useful response addresses it without requiring the person harmed to provide comfort, contact or forgiveness. Support might include guidance from a trusted adult, counselling when appropriate, and learning how to regulate emotions and handle disagreements differently.

A person can need help and still be accountable for the harm they cause.

Prejudice and unequal power

Some bullying exploits differences in race, disability, gender, sexuality, culture, religion, appearance or family circumstances.

Prejudice may be learned from peers, adults, media or the wider community. The person targeted may be described as strange, weak, deserving of exclusion or somehow less entitled to respect.

Such targeting is not simply an argument between personalities. It can intersect with discrimination, harassment and other serious forms of harm. Schools and workplaces should respond to the conduct and its context, not merely ask the parties to get along.

Being different never makes someone responsible for being targeted.

Why the behaviour may continue

One way to understand repetition is to look at what happens after the bullying.

Does the person receive attention, laughter or approval? Does the target withdraw, leaving the person using aggression more power? Do adults dismiss the incident as a joke? Does no one check whether the behaviour has stopped?

These outcomes may reinforce the behaviour, whether or not the person consciously planned them.

This does not mean the target should be told to hide their emotions or stop reacting. Responsibility belongs with the person causing harm, and with adults or institutions that have the authority to intervene.

A useful response changes the conditions that allow bullying to continue. It makes expectations clear, limits opportunities for further harm and follows through rather than assuming a single conversation has solved the problem.

When a joke or small act causes serious harm

The person responsible may say they were only teasing or did not mean anything by it. Intent matters when understanding what happened, but it does not erase the effect.

A humiliating nickname repeated every day, a group chat used to exclude someone or a prank that leaves a person afraid to return to school can have consequences far beyond the moment itself.

Bullying is associated with emotional distress, anxiety, difficulties at school and other harms. These outcomes are not automatic for every person. Nevertheless, serious distress should never be treated as an overreaction simply because the initiating act looked minor to someone else.

If a person talks about self-harm or suicide, take it seriously and seek prompt help from an appropriate health professional or emergency service. Do not assume bullying is the only cause, and do not wait to settle a dispute about labels before responding to immediate risk.

If you recognise yourself in this behaviour

You might remember laughing while someone was humiliated, deliberately leaving someone out, spreading a rumour or using your position to frighten someone into doing what you wanted.

You do not need to decide that you are permanently a “bully” to acknowledge that you have bullied someone.

Start with what you actually did:

• Stop the specific behaviour, including indirect forms such as encouraging others or circulating posts.
• Do not defend it by claiming the person was too sensitive, deserved it or should have fought back.
• Consider who was affected and whether you have encouraged a wider group to continue.
• Accept reasonable consequences and make changes that other people can observe over time.
• Seek help from a trusted adult, counsellor or other appropriate professional if anger, prejudice, peer pressure or repeated aggression are difficult to address alone.

An apology can be appropriate, but do not insist that the other person hear it, forgive you or rebuild a relationship. Repair begins with changed conduct and respect for their choices.

If you were also bullied, that experience deserves care in its own right. It does not make harming someone else acceptable.

If you are a parent, educator or manager

When someone is bullying others, asking why can guide a better response. It should not become an excuse to postpone protection.

Establish what happened, hear the people involved fairly and make sure the behaviour stops. Do not assume someone is lying simply because accounts differ. Keep the person targeted informed about appropriate next steps without exposing their private information unnecessarily.

For young people, adults can consider peer dynamics, family circumstances, school climate and any additional support needs. Consequences should be consistent and proportionate, with opportunities to learn different behaviour. A public shaming exercise or forced apology may do little to protect the person harmed.

In workplaces, use appropriate reporting, safeguarding and HR procedures. A manager's authority should not be confused with permission to intimidate or humiliate staff.

Follow up. A quiet period after a complaint does not necessarily mean the problem has ended.

If you are the person being targeted

You are not responsible for discovering what motivates someone else's cruelty or fixing their underlying difficulties.

Describe the incidents to someone who can help: what was said or done, who was involved, how often it has happened and whether you feel safe. Ask a trusted adult, school representative, counsellor, manager or other suitable person for support. If the first response is dismissive, consider another appropriate reporting route.

You do not need a complete explanation of the other person's psychology, or a perfect evidence file, before raising a concern. Serious threats or immediate danger deserve urgent assistance.

Final thought

People bully for different reasons. Some seek approval or power; some imitate what they have seen; some are struggling themselves. Often, the reasons overlap or remain uncertain.

We can take those circumstances seriously while holding a clear line on behaviour. The person being harmed deserves protection now. The person causing harm has a responsibility to stop and, where needed, accept help to change.

Understanding the behaviour should make intervention more effective, not make cruelty easier to excuse.

Sources

These sources inform the multi-factor explanation above. None of them predicts what a particular person will do, and an explanation is not a defence.

• StopBullying.gov — Why Some Youth Bully — peer status, belonging, family and emotional factors among youth who bully.
• StopBullying.gov — What Is Bullying — youth bullying definition and examples.
• CDC — Bullying — harm, bystander roles and prevention guidance.
• KwaZulu-Natal Department of Education — School Safety Framework: Bullying Reader — South African school-safety context and contributing influences.
• UNICEF South Africa — Bullying: What is it and how to stop it — general bullying characteristics and effects.